So here is the journal entry I wrote at approximately 5:30 in the morning on Wednesday December 31st...

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My reflections on the past year usually hapen randomly in early January after I finally remember to hang up my new calendar from Grandma somewhere near my desk in the room I am inhabiting at the time.

This year - I am wide awake before 6 a.m. on New Year's Eve with a bout of new medication-induced insomnia, and the urge to write down the things I remember from 2008...

So much for saving the best for last... Jacob Ryan Canfield was born on New Year's Day 2008 at 3:48 in the morning - and stole my heart at approximately 0900 when I met him for the first time  He takes my breath away- along with all the things I hate about myself.  He makes me want to be ambitious, strong and better than I am.  Who ever thought such a small little boy could do so much?  Here we are at the end of the year and he is already walking, eating solid foods, hitting, and using his lower lip to get away with murder (not to mention those amazing blue eyes).  Everytime I see him and Katherine together, and see the joy he brings her and the connection they share - I get so excited at the prospect of having my own special little person someday...

"Someday."  I can't decide if I like or despise that word.

Speaking of Katherine - she is an incredible mother.  I am so proud of her.

February brought me to the American Heart Association... Oh Lord.  What was I thinking?  No... It was all in all a good experience to have/good to know what I can't do for a job and also introduced me to the incomparable Rachel Favero - who will alway bring a smile to my face at the mere thought of.  However, I will always associate my not-so-gradually lapsing sanity with the 8 months I worked there - regardless of whether or not the AHA actually caused it.

February also brought me to a very un-wise decision that ended up being worth it in the end - but just barely.  For all you near and dear friends of mine who tried to warn me about moving in with the most ridiculous person I have known - not to mention ex - thank you for your efforts, and I am genuinely so very sorry for not listening to you... BUT DAMMIT!!!  NEXT TIME... slap me in the face!  Reality check!  Living with Evan etc. was a disaster - to put it lightly.  Two months and a gross scar on my left ring finger later I was back in Kurt's house, and basically have not seen or spoken to anyone from that house since... at least not on any occasion significant enough to spark my memory as I'm writing this.  I made a decision early on this year to eliminate the things in my life that were only dragging me down.  As hard as it is to let got of some people, I just realized that when it comes down to putting in so much effort, and the other person giving nothing back in return... it is simply not worth it.  Why should I exhaust myself trying to be friends with someone who could care less... and is also so careless with my feelings...?

Anyway - only one thing keeps me from totally kicking my own ass about the moving out thing this spring - and that's the person I found to take my place at Kurt's.  My Hash-Meer!

It's about damn time a chick companion came along... I have missed having a drama-free female friend who sees me in every light and never judges... it's unfortunate how hard that is to find these days.

Ashley Marie Hofius came into my life via facebook marketplace (whoever disses fb - pay attention!) and a phone conversation, visit to the house, and drunk life-story exchanging at Old Chicago later we became fast best friends.  Over the past 10 months I have learned that one of the reasons we get along so well is because we have enough in common (hobbies, interests, ideas of fun, clothing size, etc.), to spend a lot of time together, but enought different from each other (taste in men, jobs, majors, goals, etc.) that the competitive female factor is not there.  She is honest, up-front, compassionate, considerate, smart, hilarious, and a huge bitch when necessary (and once in a while when its not) - everything I strive to be and could possibly want in a girl friend.  We fight like sisters, and resolve things as adults - as soon as possible too.  I think I realize that regardless of the conflict at hand, I would rather figuer things out and get on wth having a good time than sit on tension and bad feelings for long.  Plus, she needs me to feed her cats sometimes, and I need her for lighters and cute shoes... ad to make crazy animal voices with.

"Her naughty little self!!!!"

So spring turned into summer right under my nose this year - it was strange not to be working at the parks with the kids - and instead be in a gray cubicle all day long.  And by strange I mean awful.  For that reason I did what I could do to break up my summer...

I visited Heather Lynn in Orlando in July - my best friend since 4th grade - and learned a thing or two about vacations and expectations and fell in LOVE with Daytona Beach on the 4th of July... AWESOME.  I also touched a jelly fish - or it touched me rather - for the very first time in my life at Co Co Beach and I set a world record for fastest exit from the ocean ever.  I also swore I would never step chipped-toe-nail-polished foot in any body of salt water ever again.

About a week and a half later, it was 2:30 in the morning and I had my high heels in one hand, cell phone in the other, running (or something resembling it) down the shore of the Atlantic in Virginia Beach telling Kurt about all the dead washed-up jelly fish I was running around poking with the heel of my favorite black going out shoes.  Kenneth Rashawn Matthews - one of the best looking and most hilarious young men I have ever met - was making sure I did not drown, talk to strangers, pass out, get naked or do anything else typical of drunk Ivy... and knew to do so having met me only a week before.

Military training does that - you get to know people really well really fast - mostly because you spend so much time sitting on your as waiting for someone "in charge" to pull their head out of theirs - but also because you're just connected in a different way I think.

My two weeks in Fort Lee, Virginia (Virginia Beach was an adventure a group of us took on our middle weekend pass) were so much different this year than last - ther weren't really any females my age - except one with  mustache and a missing tooth who NEVER STOPPED TALKING ABOUT THE ARMY.  EVER.  So I hung out with Kenneth from North Carolina, Pete Baker from Wisconsin, and Rick Stewart from Buffalo, New York.  We shared a lot of good talks... relationship advice.... several beers.... and kept each other awake and on track at our very under-challenging 92A course.  I left Virginia very early in the morning on Saturday July 26th, completely hammered after a last night of too many drinks, war stories from vets, toasts to fallen brothers and sisters, tears, hugs, and in my case - lots and lots of puking.  I owe making that flight to Pete and Kenneth who had to convince the hotel manager to give them a key so they could come get my unconscious ass packed and out the door.  Miss you guys....

The only thing that got me through August at the AHA (my last month) weighed 7lbs, is white with black spots, and walks on all fours.  Kurt picked up Lucy girl on August 8th, and she promptly took place right after Jacob on my list of favorite things.  Tiny Miss!

Summer ended with a trip to Ashley's dad's home on a beautiful lake in Northern Minnesota with Ash, Kurt, our friend Rachel and our then brand-new roommate Ben.  This fall was a much needed fresh start for the house - only Ashley, Kurt and I stayed and we acquired Josh, Ben, Adam and Will - all great guys - and for the first time since I have lived here the house functions relatively well.  Everyone has a great sense of humor, and respects each other.  And no one takes my clean laundry out of the washer or dryer and throws it on the floor... glorious. 

I went back to school in the fall excited about the semester (mostly just not to be working at AHA anymore) and started working at the park (and with kids thank goodness) on Nokomis Lake again.  I also started talking to Dr. Kelsey Carignan at Boynton.  After my inital eval she explained what I had described as trauma-induced anxiety attacks... and my triggers are driving (a result of my car accident in November 2007) and untimely and slightly obsessive thoughts about death (which began after we lost Rachael in October 2007).  I have nothing but good things to say about my sessions with her so far - she does not push a bunch of medications on me, but rather explained to me what they could do to help me help myself, and recommends more natural methods for helping me overcome downer feelings, such as a light box.  I can't say that things are "better" ...because the anxiety is still there and I have forgotten what feeling different than this was like... but I am learning to deal with what is going on with me rather than let it freak me out and try to cover it up with a substance.

My school work ended up being unremarkable in comparison with other years this semester... and I could not even tell you much about a lot of my classes right now because I just did not care a whole lot.... I am so over school.  And have two classes left... yuck.

My focus has been more on trying to figure out the difference between loving and being in love, and have relunctantly admitted (kicking and screaming mind you) that though love is all one may need (If I could meet any famous person dead or alive it would be a Beatle)... it's not always enough to make you happy.... and I for one need to be happy.  So with love... I need maturity, selflessness, confidence, humor, and intelligence.  This list seems pretty basic, but I am having a hell of a damn time finding anyone who possesses even three of the five beyond the first month of hanging out (true colors always shine their ugly ass through).  Hard times folks... hard times indeed.

2008 revealed a lot of things I am not.  The biggest shocker:  I'm not as strong as I thought I was. 

That one was a doozy.... but the longer I am aware of this, the easier I am on myself when I have to ask for help.... something I hate to do.  I get that from my mother.

My Hope (since it's such a popular little word these days) for 2009 is to discover more about what I am.

First and foremost this year... I am moving.  Ashley and I have found a place close to Lake Harriet in South Minneapolis right on Pleasant Ave, and I could not be more excited to get settled in.  Funny how different things were a year ago... I thought I would be in a very different place than I am right now. 

There are things I probably could have done differently, but so far I still have no regrets.... maybe they will come with age, but for now I'm gonna go easy on myself. 

Happy New Year.... 

Love,

Ivy

XOXOXO

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So Ashley and I are all moved into our house (except for the kitchen table and couch we are waiting on) and I think we are really going to love it here.

First thing I have learned about myself in 2009... is best described through someone else's words. 

Dammit...

I pace across the bedroom floor
Numbness comes with a rage of fire
I blankly look up at the heart of stone
These two months nothing but a lie

How can it be the same?
When you know everything is changed...

I'm sorry but this just feels right
Something happened just last night
There's nothing anymore
I finally think I've found myself
Love has fallin' somewhere else
I know it must be true...

*Sigh*

Haven't hit up the ole blog in a while... what better time time do so than at the very peak of procrastinating studying for my first final exam of the semester.  "Some things never change..."

Which just happens to be the very title of the song that most recently falls in perfect sync with my ever roller-coaster-riding psyche...

"Oh Ivy."   <insert impatient sigh>

But really... read the lyrics... I love (in varying amounts emphasized appropriately via font size, italics, bold text, underlines, and cute little stars: *):